The year that was

So another year has gone by,leaving memories both bitter and sweet,filled with triumphs and failures.In its way,its been a defining year for me in a lot of ways,both big and small.for example,i finally found THE haircut!No mean feat that,considering the number of years ive been trying to find it...also,developed a sudden affinity to the colour black,for some reason.Let go of some of my favourite theories in life,with both regret and heartache.On the other hand,some of my beliefs stood the test of trials and emerged stronger than ever.yes,i have had a hell of a time this year.Found out that insanity can be glorious if you are willing to pay the price for it.That no matter how miserable life can get,it also surprises you with its intense capacity for joy.And that at the end of the day,you will surprise yourself by being more than you thought you could be.Weaker than you feared,stronger than you hoped.At times more abandoned than common sense advises and then.. sometimes painfully practical...Yes,its been a year of self discovery,as much as anything else...

Any way,on the subject of resolutions,i stand firm.The only resolution i have is that i shall not tie myself down to anything.No damn diets,or promises to speak the truth.i will lie,prevaricate and tell outrageous fibs,if thats what i want to do.i shall eat tons of chocolates,sing in public,stare at strangers,if i want....i will not play fair anymore...neither at love,nor at anything else..if i want to ,i will give random things a chance..i will try out red nail polish and flat boring shoes...i reserve the right to be fickle,as well as to be staunch...i will be mean,if the mood seizes me,or superlatively nice.Just,whatever i want.This year is going to be only about me...selfishness,thats the keyword..

Frankly,if more people tried being selfish the world would be slightly less psychotic..sometimes i think half the misery in this world comes from people trying to do what makes half a dozen other people happy,while trying to make a doormat out of themselves,then expecting tender loving care from those others..never going to happen.You go out and do what makes you happy,and do not delude yourself into believing that you are responsible for anyone except yourself.Not even the people you love most in this world.At the most ,you can hold their hats and cheer them on,or be ready to stand the drinks at the winning post or the wake,but everyone should be allowed to go to hell in their own unique way,as well as find a way to gatecrash paradise.Believe me,thats the kindest and the best thing you can do for them.

I dont know what the next year will bring.My wishlist includes seeing a meteorite shower.And a blue moon.And the Niagara falls...i pray for wisdom.... but hope also that i can still stay a bit naive...i hope that i will have more memories to cherish,more heights to conquer,more myths to make real,more reality to understand and deal with..if it brings with it pain,let me be able to absorb it and grow stronger without growing harder...if it brings joy,let me be able to live fully in those moments and then be able to let them go...To be able to love with all my heart and live with all my life...with no regrets,no regrets ever...

Crossroads

by Joyce Sutphen

The second half of my life will be black
to the white rind of the old and fading moon.
The second half of my life will be water
over the cracked floor of these desert years.
I will land on my feet this time,
knowing at least two languages and who
my friends are. I will dress for the
occasion, and my hair shall be
whatever color I please.
Everyone will go on celebrating the old
birthday, counting the years as usual,
but I will count myself new from this
inception, this imprint of my own desire.
The second half of my life will be swift,
past leaning fenceposts, a gravel shoulder,
asphalt tickets, the beckon of open road.
The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,
fingers shifting through fine sands,
arms loose at my sides, wandering feet.
There will be new dreams every night,
and the drapes will never be closed.
I will toss my string of keys into a deep
well and old letters into the grate
The second half of my life will be ice
breaking up on the river, rain
soaking the fields, a hand
held out, a fire,
and smoke going
upward, always up.

Of love and suchlike...

Was re reading Wuthering Heights and came across this...
"Though Earth and Moon were gone
and Sun and Universes ceased to be
And thou wert left alone
Every Existence would exist in thee"
Now that,my friends,is poetry!!

Had a rather heated discussion with a friend on the existence or not of true love.He was being rather supercilious and annoyingly cynical about the whole concept,which made me livid,because i am a firm believer.i will concede that it might mean different things to different people..that at the same time it might mean safety and vulnerability,caprice and generosity,acceptance and avarice...but that it is not real..that it is not strong..that it cannot change people and lives and fates...i do not believe.It does not have to make you happy,does not have to end in happily ever after...but its there in the world ,its as real and tangible and powerful as the sun and the wind and the earth...

i have a strange theory..i think when the universe came into being,a lot of towering, powerful emotions were born as well..Love,Hate,Hunger,Lust...in the hierarchy of emotions they occupy the top rungs..cruel and powerful,raw and ungovernable and unpredictable,like the earth itself...then eventually,as the world cooled and grew older other feelings came into being..softer ones like affection and tenderness,petty ones like jealousy and envy,interesting ones like empathy and understanding...and along with them a hundred watered down versions of the Big Ones...people say,that there can be different kinds of love and they are right..there are.Mild variations of lust,moderate levels of anger,a short sharp pang of hunger...There is a simple reason for this.Very few people could survive them in their original form..they are too powerful,and will destroy anyone in their hold..so,call it a survival mechanism..sometimes though i wonder,what it would be like...

And i wonder too what right i have of being judgemental?of accusing people of settling for the mild or the moderate?surely everyone has the absolute right to decide for themselves what will suit them best..and that happiness can come through various different doors and in a multitude of disguises for people..and isn't that the ultimate aim?Happiness..peace..contentment...most days i believe it is...but there are some days...some days when i think that sometimes you should just leap over the cliff..that the flight is worth the fall...that safety..in feelings,in actions,in falling back on conventionality..is a overrated and stifling concept..that be reckless, be reckless,for its own sake..and damn the price you might have to pay!...embrace your inner restlessness and go down unknown paths,venture into uncharted waters....and when the wind is howling on a dark night outside,throw open your doors and race it till you lose,knowing that you will lose but also knowing that just feeling the sting on your face ,the roaring in your ears,the feel of your hair and clothes being torn away from you ,the complete, utter and total exhilaration,will be all that you will ever remember,all that you will ever need...