For a friend..

hello people..was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S for the nth time..actually,i don't think I've ever stopped watching it ,ever since it started to air.i guess it will sound stupid and cliched,but i cant seem to get enough of them.they stuck together..through thick and thin,highs and lows,falling in and out of love with each other..they hung on and made it all work,because they put friendship above all else..that,i think is the reason why the show continues to work.

i remember the first time i saw him.i was on duty in the emergency ward and he had had jaundice.before he turned up,half of the hospital interns had called me up to harass the living hell out of me,telling me how everything had to be perfect,he is very ill,he is very special, blah blah blah.and i thought garrhh,who is this guy with so many friends,and also,because id been having a singularly bad day,why me ,God?why? why?.i never actually saw him being brought in,given the fact that he was surrounded by a gaggle of people.huge,hulking,unwashed guys,of the type who like simple food and even simpler jokes.it was with a weary sense of resignation that i went to be introduced.his smile hit me first.cute,suspiciously innocent,disarmingly friendly.against all probability,i liked him instantly.then i got to know him...

he has style and madness and humor.he has a head chock full of strange,whimsical fancies and,i found out recently,a vituperative hatred of mosquitoes.he is valiant and kind,like the knights of old and has a sense of honour,which some might say is misplaced,in this day and age,when calculated grasping so often wins.but then,that's what sets him apart from the crowd.he can be hugely annoying,again especially lately,but mostly knows how to get around me,which let me tell you,takes some knowing!he has the most unshakable principles and the most unwavering faith.he can be cold and canny,and warm and generous.he tends to worry,a great deal,about the people he loves,and i am lucky to count myself amongst them.and sometimes does not realise that that fact itself is enough...that he does not need to be able to do anything solid or productive or even destructive to help..just the fact that he wants to and cares enough to be miserable about it,means more than he will ever know...and just now he is ill and tired..

so,satya,this is for you..

like the warmth of a benevolent sun
like the calm grace of the moon
you are the friend i always count on
even though you are a loon

you say things things that make perfect sense
and then suddenly i get lost
but when i really need you you are there
though precious,hard earned sleep be the cost!

through dark and light,through morn and night
you stay constant and true
and once in the fight,you make things right
though quite often,you are without a clue!

dont think that i dont know,you moron
that that sad smile and dopey look is a huge big con
and in spite of your opinions to the contrary,you know
its not yesterday that i was born!

will forever thank the bug which brought you guys into my life,though i realise this might be inappropriate to say this right now,given that this post is supposed to be a get well soon kind of thing.look,it throws me off when i have to be nice to you and cant yell at you for bugging me and generally being weird and random.So,get well soon dearest!

Of Movies..

Was watching titanic and sighing over Leo and Kate and bemoaning the fact that they are not together(why not?why not? they are totally perfect together..what is wrong with this universe?!!WHAT? WHAT?)apparently the story is that they are "just friends".just friends,just friends?ridiculous,fishy phrase.at the Oscars when she won,the only name she could remember was Leo's.just friends,my left ankle joint!

anyway,titanic is one of the first movies i watched in a hall.remember crying copious tears over it when Leo drowned with one of my closest friends saying over and over again"oh no,oh no,oh no,i hate to see a good looking guy drown!!"i am fairly prone to shed tears in movie halls,with alarming predictability,friends and family beginning to peer at my face right from the beginning of the offending scenes at regular intervals while i hunch up defensively,trying not to sniffle.

once,i remember,my friends sat watching me minutely,not paying any attention to the hero's deathbed gasps,commentating on my emotional state!it went something like this"kaushiki are you crying?" "is she crying?"..then to some friends sitting further off who were craning their necks"not yet,she has'nt started yet !" ..."kaushiki,you aren't crying,are you?"...and then one weary voice asking another in front of us"what is a kaushiki,do you think?" and another weary voice replying"the reason why the seats are so cheap?"..guffaws at his enormous wit(hah hah very funny i dont think!).and so on untill i burst into tears,with rage ,humiliation and grief,not being sure even now which was predominating,at which they all chorused"arre yaar,ro kyyon rahi hai..itni buri lag rahi hai to chalte hai!!"and then bursting into giggles at this obviously pre planned deal.all in all,it was a fairly memorable evening.

my sister is marginally better,just throwing contemptuous looks at me and saying "sucker!"witheringly at intervals.the thing is i like crying at emotional scenes.i enjoy suffering in a second hand fashion,secure in the knowledge that this isn't actually me this is happening to.also unfortunately i have hyperactive tear glands at least in the safety and darkness of movie halls.i love the moment when the lights go out and you are just another shadow in the crowd,and your life will cease to exist for the next three hours.i love the comfort that anonymity brings.and i just plain love hindi movies!the drama and impossibilities and randomness makes me feel very happy.highbrow friends look down upon me and tend to snigger,but i don't care.i love especially the movies from the seventies and Govinda movies.especially Govinda movies!they make me laugh so much.and the best thing about them is that they are totally honest about what they are.no pretension at a storyline,believable or otherwise.they are simple,uncomplicated,occasionally vulgar but strangely liberating. they make me feel that life cant really be very bad in a world where yellow leather pants can be not only worn but positively celebrated!

i believe the purpose of cinema is to take you out of yourself for just a little while and push the world away.you can be the heroine,living the impossibly tender love story,always saying the right things in a rain drenched sequence or the hero who will never do the wrong thing in a crisis.you get to forget all your flaws and the practicality and heartbreak of real life..and be,maybe,just for a little while,Simran who woke up one morning to the realisation that Raj had indeed come...or be Vanraj,who hears footsteps running behind him on the bridge and know, that against all impossible odds, he has won..

not horror movies though.i hate horror movies.they don't much bother me at the time itself,if that is,you cut out the music(stuff your fingers into your ears and make determined humming noises).it is the later that worries me.the long ill lighted corridor to the bathroom is not just a nuisance any more,its a preordained trick of destiny waiting to deliver your into the jaws of the Thing.i don't understand people who watch horror movies for the kick,i really don't.my best friend is one such person.in fact its quite disturbing to see the glow in her face when she recounts some particularly nasty scene involving death by dismemberment as i watch in fascinated uh,horror.she is in fact so very different from me,that i remember in one movie(i think it was Mujhse Dosti Karoge,yes yes i know!) she burst into laughter at the exact same moment that i burst into tears!my sister since she shares this particular infliction of mine,tends to be sympathetic about my aversion to horror movies(though i still haven't forgiven her for sneaking upto me in the middle of Gothika and making a loud noise thereby almost orphaning my yet to be born children and incidentally the small girl across the hallway of someone to make faces at.i swear that kid lies in wait especially for me...).my mother on the other hand,on the only occasion i went to a scary movie with her idly blew her popcorn bag and burst it at an exceptionally tense moment,thus testing the bladder capacities of several of those present,and almost causing a riot.my father,when i indignantly told him that his wife almost got me lynched,confided that her hardiness had come as a great sorrow and disappointment to him as on their first date he had taken her to watch the exorcist,expecting great things,only to have her fall asleep in the middle of it!
genetics works in weird ways...

so now as the Titanic goes down and i watch,i pray hard that this time Leo will live..just as i always pray that Rhett will not leave,that Boo will come out sometime again and that Neil will find the courage to live..

Of colours..

Blue..the colour of dreams..close your eyes and think of oceans..the mighty roar which still cannot drown out the thundering of blood in your ears as you stare in exhilaration out over the endless sweep of water..feel the spray from the water leap out and drench you,surround you in the finest mist,take you to the edge of a world full of the dangerous,deep unknown..blue..the colour of infinity,of endless skies,of the heart of a flame,of soul music,of destiny,of hope..

A still quiet forest..a cry of a lone bird,echoing..mysterious eyes over a covered face..a sudden flash of colour in a stone which seemed almost black...a spring,gurgling and whispering its way over fields..Green,of spring,the smell of first rains,of the bright curiousity of youth,of peace,of a bubbling,wondrous sense of joy at life..

the heart of a rose..the madness of love..the gleam of power..a haze of fury..the quickening of heartbeats at the memory of a look,a touch...flames..burning,consuming,destroying..the taking of it all..the giving of it all...Red..of passions unchained,of danger ,of ecstacy,of no return points..



hatred in a strangers eyes..a cold,bitter frost withering a half blown flower...a pious voice mouthing snide platitudes..sanctimony,parsimony,the phrase"for the greater good" and " the big picture"...a dirty,muddy,sullen Grey..the colour of despair,of cold acceptance,of grim mornings and dead nights..

a baby's laughter...the colour of dawn..the sudden grin of a street urchin....the fragile beauty of a cobweb..a flash at the bottom of a quiet pond..the toll of church bells...old songs,old friends..old loves.Silver..the colour of confidence,of nostalgia,of waltzes.of dignity,of grace ,of benediction..

Courage..tawny eyes watching you in the darkness..a lions roar of triumph..the gleam of a sword being lifted for the last time..a heart,constant and true...Gold,the colour of goodness,the purity of truth,of unshakable faith,of strenght,of victory..

and finally..close your eyes..imagine a darkness greater than that you see..the dark of secrets..of buried truths..of quickly smothered cries...of a relentless,irresistible pull towards destruction... bewitching nights..hunger..of soul surrender...of power at any cost...the colour..or is it the antithesis of colour?..or merely a blank where colour ought to have been..Black..the essence of helpless nightmares and yet of an ultimate power,the colour of chaos brought with a compelling style,the terror of infinity combined with an awe of the unknown,the harbinger of death and yet an ultimate peace..the colour which can mean nothing or everything..the colour of endlessness..

take a look at the people around you.all of them are dominated by the colour of their innermost desire..colours,palpable auras of them,shimmering around people..wondering why you felt a sudden onrush of joy?you just brushed against orange..or why you felt calm all of a sudden?..green has just noticed you..or why you feel all vibrant and eager? blue is coursing somewhere near you..all of us,at all times will project some colour or the other..but our one true colour ,is the one which colours our hearts,the one colour that we are born with,the one that defines us,which makes us..or breaks us..So..what is your colour?

Of People..

Was at a shop the other day buying things..it was one of those extremely high profile shops with snooty names but amazingly affable salespeople,which ,let me tell you is way more dangerous.some sharp CEO types or maybe the clerk at the sales division figured out that you will be able to lure people to buy things more easily if you make them comfortable and happy..in sharp contradiction to making them uncomfortable and prickly. rude shop people make me unhappy and miserably conscious that my clothes are nearly always worn for comfort rather than style(not my shoes though..NEVER my shoes!!),that my hair always stubbornly blows any damn which way it pleases,different sections of it rebelliously blowing in different directions at the same time,that i tend to blink a lot at the things displayed and ,most importantly always ask the price of whatever it is that i want...and that i am thus not quite quite.i react to them differently at different times..sometimes i dismiss them with unconcern,sometimes i laugh them off...but they never fail to ruffle my composure slightly.thus when i am faced with the other kind,the insanely cheerful and friendly types,i feel lots better..i chat with them,ask their opinions,confide in them about my budget and very often end up buying things,if for no other reasons than sheer gratitude for their being nice to me...

Anyway,that was a major digression but whatever.the point was,that while i was there at the shop,an exquisitely dressed women was there as well.she was pretty,in the generic kind of way which says money,and polish.she was looking at some men's wallets.just then an elderly woman walked in.she was wearing a simple saree and looked as out of place in the Italian leather shop as petunia would amongst flamboyant orchids.she looked uncomfortable,but soon a salesgirl put her at her ease and they started to chat.she wanted to buy a wallet for her son,she said,because he had just qualified an engineering entrance.also apparently his friends were teasing him about his old wallet,which was his grandfather's and very old fashioned.she was a sweet lady,cheerful and nice.very nice.i was shamelessly eavesdropping by then,caught up in the lady's simple enthusiasm.she had finally selected her wallet,a handsome beige one.just then the women with the great dress noticed the wallet in her hand and said"Oh My God,that's the one i want!!do you mind?"and straightaway took it from her.she examined it minutely and said"yes,yes this is exactly what i want.get me another piece of this please"

as luck would have had it,there was only the one piece left.i think the nice aunty would have given it up,had she been even slightly polite about it.but she did not so much as bother to acknowledge her.she just shrugged elegantly and said"it doesn't matter.i will take this"the shop girl was seriously upset.she stammered and said that the other lady had selected it first.and got treated to a cold stare and a "so?".the other aunty by this time had gotten over her bewilderment and said shakily,but gamely that she had indeed chosen it first.the bitch from hell sneered at her openly,taking in her clothes,her worn out sandles,her general aura of middle class respectibility..and said something filthy to her in english...and at aunty's bewildered look laughed lightly and said"Oh dear,i suppose i should translate to hindi".i was already stepping forward,rage clouding my vision,knowing that whether i flayed her in english or hindi, i would do a thorough and comprehensive job of it. but the manager beat me to it.she arrived and asked what was wrong.on being told by the sales girl who was extensively interrupted by the humanoid,she got a grasp of what had happened.She turned to aunty who was almost in tears, mortified and embarrassed,and told her gently"the wallet is yours,maam".at this,horrible person let out a splutter of rage and spewed venom at her.the manager heard her out in cold silence responding only when asked"is that the kind of person you would prefer over ME?".she said quietly"we always prefer class.excuse me"and she walked away leaving me trying to suppress very hard an overwhelming desire to cheer.

it was an experience which shook me up slightly,leaving me feeling teary eyed and jubilant at the same time.i suppose i had not expected to see this particular kind of ending to this story.all too often these days,money and a certain hard polish which is not backed by anything real,like goodness or thoughtfulness is given more importance by people in general.it felt very very good to be able to personally witness an incident which reinforces belief in the basic sense and goodhearted ness of people.also,felt wonderful to see snooty woman's ass being kicked in a very dignified way!!har har

was in bangalore recently.the weather was wonderful,especially after marinating in delhi's heat until began to feel like some variety of burnt but still undercooked poultry!after that cool ,windswept banglore felt like heaven.i stayed at a friend's house which is situated at a still semi deserted area just outside the city,and i woke up every morning to the wind howling outside.it felt great to be snuggled inside light quilts,drinking coffee and eating all manner of indigestible things and chatting up a storm!it was a fun vacation though mildly bemusing.the really strange thing was though ,that i actually felt a rush of affection for humid,sweaty delhi.stuck up in the snarling traffic on the way back from the airport was oddly comforting.either i am one of those people who cant take too much of a good thing(heaven forbid!) or...it was just the fact,that in spite of the wanderlust which seizes me from time to time,and in spite of loving all the new and old places i go to,it is always best when i come back home.