Of the middle

hello children,i am back...feeling happy and benevolent towards life in general and myself in particular.the weather is misty and soft,i have been lucky enough to meet both weird ,random and boderline insane people..the universe,with its usual capricious and whimsical sense of humor,is for once letting me have what i have always wanted...an interesting life

people..they are the most fascinating creations in God's good earth and yes,i am taking into considerations the claims of the black widow spider,with its charming concepts of romance,the ostrich,with its amazing capacity of denial,the hooded seals of Antarctica,the males of which species show off to females by inflating their bright red noses like a balloon(this is fact,swear im not making this up!)or even the sloth,who unlike the lovable yet spastic sid in the ice age series,are excellent hunters and apparently are not only very fond of beer,but able to hold their liquor amazingly well,which is more than can be said of most human beings..


not that its possible to define people,and i would not be presumptuous or stupid enough to try to do so..but the one thing ive found common in every one i know,is the capacity to surprise....no matter how well you think you know someone,or how dull and boring you think they are...just occasionally,for an instant,they will say or do something which will reveal a side you never suspected they have..sometimes,with some people,i wonder if they themselves know who they are...and then, occasionally,there are people who know very well who they are,and are simply not interested in sharing that knowledge with most of the world....and very rarely there are those,who deny who they are..who they can be...those are the ones who pull at me,for some strange reason....why do they do it?is it because they know what they can be and the knowledge terrifies them...are there monsters in their heads they are hiding from,or imps urging them on to dangerous mischief...or demons laughing at them from shadows,nudging them to break rules....or are there angels with swords,demanding that they change the world,ideals and principals,dancing about in their heads and hearts,demanding freedom,demanding change,demanding action....


or is it both...are they the ones torn between heaven and hell,able to see very clearly the choices and the consequences of them..with the knowledge that they could be either but not both..not like the rest of the blessed mortals,comfortably living with spite and generosity,moments of cowardice and flashes of courage,moments of madness alternating with almost stupefying sanity...they are the children of earth..the middle ground..the effortless amalgamation of heaven and hell,good and bad,light and dark...the lucky ones.in their lives they will be good men and bad men and quite often ordinary men,and people will love them and hate them and ignore them but they will not shake the world to its core..

i am not talking,you know you know of people who are born with Gods sword in thier hands..the true and the pure and the courageous..the ones who will always do the right thing,no matter what the cost to themselves..or the ones who are born with the Devil laughing over their shoulders....who gleefully embrace evil...both these kinds are happy with who they are..they know themselves and are comforrtable with that knowledge ..for them there has been no choice..they dont understand the other side..the children of heaven and the children of hell...


but They... are forever stuck in the middle...melding neither with one nor the other..both and none....they are the ones who have concentrated good in them...and concentrated evil as well...and the courage and the coldness required to fulfill both destinies...some of them choose..one side or the other...they might deny the other half of themselves...stay restless and angry....but they will become names the world revers or vilifies...and some...stay in shadows...lose themselves behind a persona which can be anything they want it to be..charming,sullen,brilliant,stupid...everything is true and none of it is..they live in a world of mirages......i wonder if ,after a while,they begin to believe the illusion they have created....who knows..maybe.... i hope they can..

sometimes i look out of the window in the middle of the night and look at all the tiny lights of the city spread out..and wonder at all the stories..the happy ones..the sad ones..the tragic,the mundane and the extraordinary ones...and i wonder how they will all end...i wonder how mine will end...its been a hell of a journey so far..and today,in this moment, i would not change a minute of it...

Regrets and Memories

sometimes its only too easy to take friends for granted.. you take off to new horizons,without bothering to look back,maybe convinced that they will always be there,maybe forgetting all about them for a while..
but then one day,you may be sitting,surrounded by new friends..in a new life,with everything you have always wanted right next to you..and a chance phrase..or random joke...or a casual comment..may trigger memories which seem to belong to another lifetime..nostalgia,sharp and raw...with all its attendant longings and regrets..memories of sunshine and laughter and dreams...when you would plan your life and live out your triumphs in imagination..when tomorrow was always yours..when anything seemed possible..when life was still a grand song waiting to be sung..when the only things you could count on were your wits ..and your friends..

you might want to go back,then..back to those old friends..maybe you would call on the last no you had and find that its now not in use any longer.they changed it and never bothered to tell you.you might try desperately to remember the last time you spoke to them..was it months ago or has it been a year already?..surely it hasn't been longer?..and when was the time you had a actual conversation with them,not just a hi-bye,gotta run,very busy,will call you soon...when was the last time you laughed with them..or told them a secret...when?...you might then somehow get the no and call...
what would you hear after the first hello?...would they recognise your voice even...and if they did,what would they say..would it be surprise and pleasure..if you are lucky,maybe.

or would there be surprise and awkwardness..after the do you re member's are over,would you find you had nothing left to say to each other except trite commonplaces..would you both then find excuses to hang up,promising to call again soon,but knowing really,that what you thought was forever was lost..remembering with sadness and just a touch of cynicism the quiet conviction with which you had once called them "family"..

i have been on both sides of the fence.have lost people who cared about me through sheer carelessness..looking back i find that it was not that i didn't love them or care about them..it was just,that i always thought tomorrow would be soon enough to call..today was always so busy,i had so many things to do,i was so sleepy..that tomorrow i would call..and i have waited for some other friends to call and catch up,thinking indulgently that "she is busy,has lots of things to deal with".i might miss her when i something funny happens and i want to tell her and she doesn't pick up the phone and doesn't call back..but then there is someone else who will laugh with me,and i might forget to miss her...and then one day,with a sense of shock ill realise,that i don't even think of her anymore when something funny or strange or bad happens to me..its someone else now...and there may be a twinge of regret,but underlying it will be anger...and finally acceptance..and then indifference....and so they will slip away..all the people you loved and counted on and shared so much of yourself with..

change is the law..but it should not mean loss..of real friendship...of your past self...of something rare and beautiful...so before you put off that phone call,ask yourself if tomorrow may not be too late..ask yourself if you can afford to lose this friend..ask yourself if regrets and memories will make up for unconditional love and unfailing support....
so i will wish happiness for all of you..i will wish success and prosperity and fulfillment of dreams...and i will wish for a Saturday,twenty years later,when you sit in a coffee shop,fuming with anger,because the week has been horrible and on top of that the people who have been making you wait for the past twenty years are late again...and you swear to yourself that this is the last time,you are in time,by god,when the door opens and in breeze your closest friends..your family..with the same lame excuses and bright laughter..and suddenly you are laughing as well,nothing is as bad as it seemed,and you will say"hey guys,do you know,something really funny happened at work today.."

New Beginnings....Again

oh my god!!! it feels like i have been away from home for a million and fifty years!!i realise that absolutely no one follows my blog,least of all the so called followers ,who are,lets face it mostly all my friends,trying to score on the "good friends" column!
but i myself have missed writing so much..i have realised,that strangely enough,that i feel completely absorbed and utterly content,when I'm gabbling away happily at the keyboard,har har.
so what have i been doing lately..well,you could say working hard at realising one of my dreams..and since i have managed to do it..here i am..in mangalore...
mangalore is a beautiful city..a lot of people have only heard of the similar sounding bangalore..but let me tell you as someone who had been in both..there is absolutely no comparison..Bangalore is loud,noisy,bustling,with incredibly annoying auto people..mangalore on the other hand is a haven..

trees...everywhere you look..tall,leafy,calm,happy trees..not like the stunted,wizened lot you see in other cities,fighting bravely and often losing the battle for survival..here the trees know that they belong..that they arethe city as much as the people ..that they hold the earth together as they reach for the skies...they know that standing tall and proud is their right by birth...they could never imagine it anyother way...and they have never had to find out otherwise..
my hostel room looks out into a bus terminal on one side and red slanted roofed cottages on the other..both journeys and its end..depending on which window i look out of..
there is a cock somewhere which crows its head off at dawn..i love hearing it then falling asleep again..
the people have been much like people everywhere,only more so..i keep getting the feeling that i have met them before..maybe between the pages of a book..or a dream..
the hot guys are hotter and more arrogant...the creepy jerks are creepier albeit well disguised as suave and charming people(its all very novel like,to tell you the truth!)everything and everyone is a bit larger than life..my sister asked me seriously if its like stepford!!
but seriously,its just plain amazing..i have a neighbour who is straight out of a bad saas-bahu serial..she is incredible..dressing sense,manners,conversation,mental scope..all of it from some ekta kapoor nightmare..i spent three days sneaking into my own room and staying inside with doors bolted and lights off because i am completely unable to cope with her..she scares the living hell out of me..i simple stare at her like a rabbit trapped in the gaze of a head light while she ruthlessly interrogates me on everything from the price of my plate to my current relationship status..brrrrghghh!!
there are nice people too i guess..and just currently someone who seems to be falling on both sides of the line,oscillating between being rather nice and a complete jerk(yes,hes hot!)
with so many new people in my life,its strange I'm still missing the old ones so much..in fact the more i meet new people the more i want to hang onto the old ones..at least the ones who are important,anyway..
i am not sure how many i can keep..how many will stay..i can but try..rest is at the knees of the gods...i at least,will not have any regrets...
i guess mangalore finally gots its hooks into me one night a couple of weeks ago...i was already falling half in love with it..the balmy weather,the polite autowallahs,the mango tree which unexpectedly drops mangoes like missiles just outside my hostel,the clumps of wildflowers everywhere...
and then one night i got up to open the windows because the room felt stuffy..and i saw..
a clear sky filled with a million stars...trees near and far swaying to a rhythm only they could hear..a night standing still in anticipation...and then..suddenly..in a split second.. a thousand bolts of lightening crisscrossing the sky and bathing the entire city in electric blue..no thunder,that is what struck me immediately..as if the storm did not need to make any noise to prove how deadly it was..it was primitive,powerful,dangerous..and for the first time in my life i was afraid,really,instinctively afraid and terribly joyous,all at the same time...i don't know why..all i know is,from that moment onwards i belonged to this city...